Sonja was immediately admitted to hospital and the Neurologist decided she required urgent brain surgery. The surgery was particularly dangerous and there was a fair chance Sonja would not survive the procedure. The doctors also told me that even if she did survive the surgery she may no longer recognise me and would require constant care.
Sonja survived the operation and a few hours later our two daughters and I were able to see her in the intensive care unit. Her scalp had been shaved and cut from ear to ear, but she instantly recognised us. It was such a great relief that she had survived this first hurdle. It would now be an agonising four-day wait to find out if the tumour was benign or malignant.
A few days later Sonja and I were nervously waiting to hear the results. "I am very sorry, the tumour is malignant" said the Surgeon. "There is no cure for this type of tumour and most patients die within six months." I felt like I was living out my very worst nightmare. Why was this happening to us? What did we do to deserve this fate? Why was God allowing this to happen? Why is life so cruel and unfair?
I spent the next few days thinking of all the suffering in the world. The excuses people usually made for God weren't cutting it for me any more. I finally surmised that these were simply random acts of Nature. However, I trusted the wisdom of Nature and understood that there must be a good reason Nature sometimes behaved so callously. This began my quest to discover the truth of existence and the reason for suffering.
I knew I wasn't going to discover the reasons for Nature's actions in Christianity. The religion of my culture was void of any understanding of Nature. In fact, Christianity went to great lengths to distance mankind from Nature. I needed to find a philosophy that saw Nature as the ultimate reality, but was also reconcilable with science and my own perception of reality.
After many months of searching I found a philosophy from ancient China that fitted all my criteria. It was the ancient Chinese philosophy called Taoism. Unlike the other beliefs I investigated, it contained nothing that made me cringe. I set about reading the Taoist sacred text, "Tao Te Ching" and was amazed to find that it spoke of Nature in the same terms I intuitively felt. At that moment I knew Taoism would contain the answers I had been looking for.
After a few weeks in hospital Sonja returned home and a few months later she had completely recovered from her ordeal. Astonishingly she had survived brain surgery without any physical handicaps or any mental deficits. Like most people who have had a brush with death, Sonja had a joy for life that was unknown to her before her illness. There was then a period of about 18 months when the tumour remained dormant and life with Sonja was wonderful. We were very much in love and we spent every available moment together.
Unfortunately by December 2004, the MRI scans were showing new tumour growth in her brain. The chemotherapy and the radiation therapy that had once worked so effectively were now no longer having the desired effect. We also tried many alternative treatments, but to no avail. We both then accepted that this was the beginning of the end. It was time to stop fighting the inevitable and surrender to Nature's desire. We both agreed it would be a lot less painful this way.
In this period we both drew a lot of comfort from Taoism. We learnt that we must trust Nature in death as we trusted Nature in life. Sonja became very interested in the Taoist teachings and started to cultivate a strong affinity to Nature. She understood that she would soon be returning home to the place she came from and she accepted this without fear or complaint. Sonja was an incredibly brave woman.
As 2005 progressed Sonja's condition slowly began to deteriorate. In Sonja's final few months there was an amazing connection between Sonja and myself that I find very difficult to describe. It was as if the boundaries between our two minds had disappeared. These moments between us were incredibly beautiful and the most precious moments in our 23 year marriage.
Late on the evening of the November 1, I went to bed positioning my head near Sonja's face. Sonja opened her tired glassy eyes ever so slightly and made eye contact with me for what would be the very last time. The next morning I woke to see Sonja had descended into a very deep coma. This would be our last day together. Her struggle and suffering would soon be over.
At about 12:30 in the afternoon Sonja's breathing became irregular. There were long pauses between each breath and her hands slowly started to turn blue. I held her and whispered to her "Go now baby. Return home to Nature." Every time I thought Sonja had taken her final breath, she took one more. After about eight minutes Sonja took her final breath. As she exhaled for the last time large tears rolled down her cheeks. I felt that she was crying for all the years we would never share.
I cried uncontrollably as an overwhelming feeling of loneliness swept over me. I had never felt so alone, so isolated. Sonja had been part of my life since I was 17 years old. Now at 43 I was alone for the first time in my adult life.
For the following few months I couldn't understand why I was now living days not known to Sonja. I would often wake in the middle of the night and for one brief moment wonder why Sonja wasn't in the bed next to me. An overwhelming feeling of dread would wash over me when I came to the realisation I would never see Sonja again.
Taoism would now play a vital role in helping me maintain my sanity. Having been plagued by depression most of my adult life, I knew that my very survival was now contingent on having the correct mental attitude to my circumstances. I also understood that I lived in a culture that didn't accept death as a natural part of life and most people felt very uncomfortable in my presence. Fortunately Taoism and my enlightened friends gave me the knowledge and strength I needed to get through these very difficult months. I was extremely fortunate in this regard.
I'm not a believer of ghosts or in a heavenly realm, but I know Sonja still exists in many tangible and intangible forms. The atoms that composed her will go on to form other aspects of Nature; possibly other consciousnesses. Sonja's genes live on in our two daughters and everywhere in our home there are artefacts of Sonja's existence. Most importantly, every time I think of Sonja I recreate her in my mind. Although I still miss Sonja very much, I find much needed peace in knowing these undeniable truths.
I hope you are able to find some small light within this website that will encourage you to start your journey on the path. I know from my conversations with people that most people are suffering at some level. This is also evident by the incidence of anxiety, depression, drug use and suicide in our culture. I'm convinced Taoism has the teachings to relieve a lot of the suffering in our society and this is the main reason for this web site.
If you wish to comment on my site or ask me a question, please email me at: taoist@yinyangnature.com (Please place the word "website" in the subject line.) I endeavour to correspond promptly to all the messages I receive.
Unconditional kind regard
Bobba
Perth, Western Australia
30 July 2006